I haven’t been here for a few weeks so this is going to be long. I haven’t had much to say because this was area of my life was also part of my recent upheaval.

I’ve decided to cancel my CrossFit gym membership.

Here’s what I wrote about it to my former workout partner who turned into my CrossFit coach for a while.

“Do you want to be the boss of me again? I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I’m still not sure if I’m just being a wimp or if I’m being smart but I think I need a workout change. I still need someone to tell me what to do because left to my own devices I just sort of wander around. So I figured that if I’m hiring someone to boss me around it might as well be someone experienced! I want to focus more on weights. Lifting is the part I like. I’m unbalanced though. My chest and back are really weak. CrossFit only seems to work on those with pull ups and if you can’t do pull-ups then you don’t gain the strength needed to do pull ups. Frustrating. I’m basically a klutz with zero natural athletic ability so I’ve maxed out how good I’m going to get on the gymnastic moves. If I was super dedicated and motivated I might get better but I don’t care if I ever climb a rope. Not a life goal. I have a home gym and a membership to another gym so I can access just about anything you’d want me to use including a track and a pool. Just no treadmills please. They suck my will to live. I still hate running but I like walking for miles and I can handle running intervals with fairly minimal whining if I’m doing it by myself. I just don’t want to have to go out and run for miles. I like swimming too but I can only do breast stroke and back stroke. So, what I need is a plan and these are my goals. 1. Keep getting stronger. 2. Work on sculpting and strengthening all muscle groups especially upper body. 3. Cardio that I won’t spend all week dreading. Have I mentioned how much I hate running?”

Here’s what she came up with. After I read through them the first time I told her that they were wonderfully, creatively evil.

Saturday

Warm-up: 3x :60seconds each

  • High knees- Run in place with knees up high
  • Air boxing using medium/light weight dumbbells
  • Jumping squats
  • Air boxing

For the record, that adds up to 12 minutes of cardio “warm up”.  Being in CrossFit gives people a strange concept of what that word means!

Workout #1: Complete 4 rounds.

  • 8x Single arm strict press using 12-15lb kettlebell or dumbbell
  • 10x Tricep kickback with same weight
  • 8x Man-makers with lighter weight  – I didn’t remember what these were but I remembered I hated them.  Stand with dumbbells by your sides.  Squat and place dumbbells on ground.  Keep your hands on the weights and jump your feet back into plank.  Do a pushup.  Lift the right weight to your chest and put it down.  Repeat with the left.  Jump feet back to squat position.  Stand up and push weights overhead. That’s one rep.

Workout #2: 2x :30seconds each

  • Forearm plank
  • Russian twists w/ 15-20lb weight but keep feet up
  • Bent knee hollow hold (lying on the ground w/ bent knees, lift arms, head and shoulders up and hold)
  • Sit-ups

Sunday

She sent me to a local trail that has a flight of 45 stairs.  Here was my mission.  Climb to the top 5x completing the following exercises at the top:

  • Climb 1- 50 air squats
  • Climb 2- 40 lunges
  • Climb 3- :30 second REST
  • Climb 4- 20 Tuck jumps
  • Climb 5- 20 Dips (if bench is available) otherwise, 20 jumping jacks

It would have been better if she had sent me to the right trail.  I had to find it in the park. I messaged her:

The Overlook trail is lovely but doesn’t have stairs. I wandered about and then tried a side trail that leads to the Oxbow trail that does have stairs. So I walked at least 1.5 miles before I found the stairs and hiked back uphill a mile (and more stairs) to my car afterwards. EXTRA CREDIT!

Anyway, on the way back to the car I stopped at a bench to do the dips for even more extra credit. I heard people coming so I was doing some stretching until they passed. The lady saw me flexing my ankles and said, “I know! When I saw those stairs on that the trail I told my husband that my left knee wasn’t happy and we shouldn’t do it.”

I didn’t tell the lady what I had done with those stairs.

Monday

Warm-up: Walk for 10 minutes before completing 4 rounds of:

  • 10 Kettlebell swings
  • 10 Sit-ups
  • 10 Mountain climbers (in push-up position, run knees to elbows and keep the booty down)

Workout #1: 3 rounds

  • 10x Incline dumbbell bench press using 20lbs each hand
  • 12x Skull crushers w/ one 20lb dumbbell – Hold it in both hands with arms straight up above face.  Bend elbows so weight lowers to your head.  Tricep killer.
  • 10x Bent over row using a slightly lighter weight in each hand

Workout #2: 8×6 (6 reps, 8rounds/sets) of Deadlifts work up in weight. By set 3, should be at a medium heavy weight for remaining sets. (My medium heavy weight was 125 lbs.) Complete a :60 second wall sit after each of the last 3 sets.

See how that wall sit sentence is just snuck in there like it is no big deal?  Evil, I tell you.