If I ever, and I mean ever, formally co-mingle my financial assets with any male type person who I am romantically involved with again I hereby deputize you all (every single one of you) to come to my house and beat me senseless. With a stick.

I found out today that the ex’s weird financial dealings have gotten him in trouble again or still or something. Since I was married to him at the time of his weirdness I’m getting sucked in. Believe me, I have expressed my unhappiness to him. It involves an accountant who royally screwed up and then went off and died before fixing the mistake. In the immortal words of Inigo Montoya, “Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.” (“Prepare to die!” might also be apt).

I found myself heading to the bank to mostly empty my accounts on the off chance that they might just get seized before he gets this straightened out. There has been no threat of this but I know the kinds of chaos the ex is able to start.

The teller was about 19 and asked if I was going to buy a car. Note that my worldly assets are in fact enough to buy a cheap car (yeah!) but not enough to make him think I’m buying a house (boo!). I replied that I was hiding my money from a fool of an ex-husband which of course made more questions that I cared to answer or could answer at that time since I didn’t know myself the full answers. Then he had to send someone to the vault for the money. I have enough money to necessitate a trip the vault (yeah again!). But the cash fit in my small purse which made me very sad because at the very least I wanted a briefcase chained to my wrist. True they were middle sized bills but I would have taken it in nickels if they were offering a handcuffed briefcase.

On my way home from work I was telling the story to my SIL. She mentioned that she was at church waiting for a financial management seminar to start. I told her if she got bored she should raise her hand and say, “My sister in law took her money out of the bank today and is going to put the cash under her mattress. Is that a good idea?” It isn’t entirely true but could be entertaining.

I have calmed down some. There may be a bright side. I’m going to owe a lot of taxes. I’ve been saving but I don’t really have enough yet. But I pulled more out of the accounts than I had mentally allotted to the tax fund. I am now considering it all my tax fund so my savings rate just doubled. Also the ex’s very financially savvy and anal retentive business partner is involved because the company is being hassled. He will get something fixed instead of letting the ex try to handle it.

I’m going to take a hot shower now and then try to relax. Perhaps visualizing strangling the ex and burying him with the late accountant will help….