The Holy Land Experience

I have been dying to go to the Holy Land Experience every time I’ve been in Orlando. You can see if from the road and it is totally over the top. I can’t pass up a trashy, tacky Christian tourist trap. See The Creation Museum visit.

This will be a long post with lots of pictures. If you just want the summary here it is:

The Holy Land was a magical place that was created for Jesus to live in. He had about 20 friends who never met a sequin or glitter that they didn’t love. When Jesus moved on the Holy Land ceased to exist.

I drove in and was immediately accosted by police. I thought this was going to be an authentic checkpoint experience but I was wrong. They just wanted to tell me where to park. When I got out of the car I kept wishing that I had a head scarf so I could innocently ask where the Muslim exhibits were.

Walking to the ticket booth I saw this:

I figured I was just being a whiny horse person to question why a Holy Land horse was wearing a western saddle and wearing it quite improperly. Then I went around a bend and the world went loopy.

Not only were there giraffes, who last I looked live in Africa, there were guys unloading 2 more giraffes from a truck because I guess you can’t have too many!

Not to be left out, America was represented.

Here we have Africa and Asia but neither is representative of the Holy Land.

Australia gets in the act – all mixed up with Africa.

There was even a llama for South America. I was sad there were no Antarctic penguins to represent all the continents. I just kept getting the feeling that this display is what happens when people refuse to study biology.

I was doubled over laughing in the parking lot which is the sign of a good theme park. I was having a blast before I even paid.

Inside they have shows.

Is it really the Last Supper if there is another show later on?

Karoake for Jesus!

I saw a building with the life of Jesus. Here’s what I learned:

Jesus was a blond haired blue eyed white baby who loved sparkles. He had a sheep that looks a lot like my old Pomeranian Snowball.

All his friends were required to wear sparkles at all times. Even his donkeys were bedazzled. Somehow I had gotten the impression over the years they were poor but even if that is true it is no reason not to be fabulous!

Christians must be lawbreakers since these signs were everywhere.

You may have heard that there are people who aren’t white in the Holy Land but that is a low down rotten lie spread by Satan.

I went into a building that had the story of how the Bible was made. You had to enter at specific intervals with your group. I was the only one in my group. There was a recorded story playing on the loudspeakers and then the next set of doors would open and you could move on. I actually really like Biblical history so I wanted to hear their version. By the second room I was bored. I was doing yoga and then they were playing this nice belly dance music so I was channeling my inner Shakira. I really hope someone was watching like the signs say.

After a bit I realized that I could move ahead sometimes. The tour had covered Mesopotamia and Egypt developing writing. I skipped ahead and went into a room with scrolls from the 1100s. I went back to see if I had just really skipped 3000 years or if I took a wrong turn. Nope, writing was developed and then there was the Bible. That skips right over the messy parts were they voted on what was going to be included.

I skipped ahead more until I was stuck in a room with an animatronic guy translating the Bible into English. You couldn’t move forward until the appointed time. Obviously this was IMPORTANT. The whole of history was leading up to the Bible in English. Then, I kid you not, the fireplace opened up and you walked through there. I surely hope that the Holy Land Experience security guys got to see me yelling, “Holy Shit! I always knew the Floo Network was for real!!!!”

It is important to Jesus that you always end up in the gift shop. My new house needs more chairs.

I have no idea what this is but it was the only mention of Israel that I saw.

There were angels everywhere. They are more common in the Holy Land than anything else. This one has an itchy scalp which I understand but you shouldn’t itch with a blade.

Holding grapes to your temples is a popular party game in the Holy Land.

How I felt at the end of the Holy Land Experience.