The Quiet Damage

The Quiet Damage

This is a book that everyone who has struggled to understand how people have fallen for conspiracy theories should read. The author did a very good job of picking five families to profile who represent a wide range of experiences. I’m sure everyone will be able to find themselves in one or more of these families and see how they might have found themselves in similar circumstances.

The first family is led by a white woman who went to law school after her doctor husband’s suicide. When her three children are grown, she spends her time on the internet and changes from a liberal Democrat to a QAnon follower. Her older children cut her off but her youngest son tries to learn all her can about the movement to try to talk her out of it. It almost ruins his life too.

Two Black sisters grew up in poverty in Wisconsin. One became an activist and the other felt that the world was stacked against her. She was teaching her children conspiracy theories too. Her sister was trying to lead her nephew out but it was hard when he wanted to please his mom. I can relate to their story. My nephews are influenced by their FoxNews worshipping grandparents (the other side of their family). My mom tries to show them that there are other sides to the stories that they are hearing there but they think she was evil for voting Democrat.

An elderly white woman loses faith in doctors after a missed diagnosis. She starts looking into natural healing groups which leads her to QAnon. Her social circle and the social circle of her husband shrinks because no one wants to be around her. He misses his wife but feels that in his 80s that it is too late to divorce. He still loves her but not this mean and spiteful version of her. I feel really bad for this guy, even if he is an Alabama fan. This woman turned into the most horrible person from the active pandemic years and burnt down their entire lives.

A conservative white Christian man is disabled with nerve pain for several years. He starts watching YouTube videos that show him that he can still fight against the Deep State. His wife doesn’t understand but she’ll figure out that he’s doing what is best when the arrests of the elites happen. But will it happen before he loses his family?

A white liberal female Bernie Sanders supporter wants to make the world a better place. When Bernie loses she is despondent. A friend shows her a video about how there is a way to keep making the world a utopia. It just means realizing that you have to work with people who she formerly couldn’t stand. I related to her the most. I’m a crazy liberal who wants the world to be better. I can see how you could get pulled into another plan to fight the power if you didn’t look too closely at the facts.

She moved out of QAnon through talking to her partner and her father. I had a hard time with the approach they used with her. It is a conflict I’m having myself now. They convinced her that it wasn’t her job to save the world. She needed to focus on her own part of the world. I’m currently wondering if it is best to try to stay in the fight or pull back and control what you can. Is it just giving up? I don’t have an answer to that. Here’s what they said to her.

“It wasn’t in her nature to sit idly by while the world burned. His advice to her was simple. Cultivate your garden. It was a reference to Candide, a novel written by the French philosopher Voltaire, who warned of the perils of worrying about things beyond one’s control. Rather than fret over the state of the world and the many issues plaguing mankind which would only lead to endless despair, Voltaire argued, people ought to focus on their own lives or tend to their own gardens. That was the way to find true peace of mind.”

My instinct is to say no. You have to help others. But if in trying to help others you are damaging yourself what do you do? There isn’t a good answer.

Not everyone in the book got out of the movement. Those that did came out in various ways. The Christian man frustrated me. He burned down his life and then lost his faith. He realized that a lot of events that he attributed to God were just human actions. He was doing well. But then he had another big event in his life and immediately went back to “It must be God.” I was like, “Dude, did we learn nothing?”

The afterword was interesting. It talked a lot about the appeal of conspiracy theories.

It would seem entirely logical to fight fiction with fact but therein lies a fraught assumption. Beneath these kinds of delusional beliefs in many instances is not a desire to be accurately informed but a need to be internally comforted.

I’ve never been a person who needs to know “Why?” I’m fine with mystery. I like it. I know people who are driven batty by mystery. They want to know that there is a purpose for everything. The need to have everything make sense in a logical story or a bigger purpose can make people see patterns and conspiracies that aren’t there.

The truth is that the truth is almost beside the point. Facts alone won’t fix this. To get bogged down in debunking falsehoods is to tackle the symptom not the cause. What we’re facing is as much a wellness crisis as it is a disinformation crisis. Our interventions need to reflect that.

“If you are feeling uncertain. If you are feeling a lack of control. If you are feeling socially isolated. If you are feeling helpless and searching for answers because answers will make you feel better then media literacy won’t help you. You’ll throw it all out the window.”

Dr. Joanne Miller – University of Delaware

I finished this book feeling like I understand where people are coming from more than I did before. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to engage with them in discussions or unblock them on Facebook. I’ll still gently refute things that I hear/see them say. That may be more for the other people who read their disinformation than them.

I think this book would be helpful reading for anyone who hasn’t been able to understand how people get themselves into movements that are so obviously unhinged or for people looking for advice on how to talk to family who are there still.